Vera Gets Her Revenge

I don't know why Vera would need revenge, unless the idea that people were having a party without her as the center of attention was just unbearable. That must have been it. Another popular theory is that she's heard rumors there's a contract out on my life, and since I'm her pet human, it's up to her to make sure no one gets close enough to me to cause any damage. I suppose this could be a possibility. Surely I've offended someone enough to have a contract out on my life, haven't I? I like to think I've accomplished something in my life, and that would be impressive. People with contracts out on their lives are always getting movies made about them, so it must be significant.

Whatever it was, Vera was determined. And when the doorbell rang at 7, she was still roaming freely about the apartment, as if she owned the place. Technically she's on the lease, so I suppose she can claim some sort of ownership, but it's not as if she chips in with the rent or anything. I hadn't put her in her designated party spot yet because, well, maybe no one would show up for the party, in which case Vera would languish in the luxury of the master suite all night all alone for no reason at all. So the doorbell rang, which was my signal to put Vera in her designated party spot. The designated party spot, or dps, is on the third floor. The front door is, due to geopolitical forces, on the ground floor. (Mostly due to the fact that it saves our visitors from having to scale the outside walls to get in.)

However, while the ringing doorbell indicated to me that it was time to go upstairs, Vera believed it meant it was time for her to go downstairs, which she did rather energetically and frantically, desperate to greet our first visitor herself and, if necessary, frisk her for any weapons that might be used to harm me. I said the only thing that I could say, under the circumstances, which was "Oh, crap," and followed Vera down the stairs. I opened the door just a crack, just enough to tell the unfortunate very important visitor that I'd be right back, then I grabbed Vera's leash and threw it on her.

Isn't that welcoming? You show up at someone's house for the first time ever and are greeted by a barking dog and a person who says, "Wait out in the cold for awhile, will ya?" I shouldn't be allowed around people.

So I dragged the reluctant Vera up two flights of stairs to the dps. She was not only reluctant, but determined to impress upon me the foolishness of my actions. Didn't I know I was in danger? Didn't I want her to take care of it? Didn't I know I can't be trusted to take care of myself? (I do rather know that, but I'm not sure Vera is the right one to be caring for me.)

We reached the dps. I threw her in the room (throwing being a relative term, since she weighs 62 pounds, confirmed last week at our vet visit) and was preparing to shut the door behind me so I could let our poor frozen guest in when the unthinkable happened.

Technically, it's not at all unthinkable. The idea of Vera escaping is ever present, in fact, and is one of those things that one comes to expect. I just like to exaggerate.

Vera went running down the stairs, and when I yelled at her to stop, she stopped, turned, looked at me, and figuratively stuck out her tongue. (Literally, her tongue's always hanging out, so it doesn't mean
anything.) She then proceeded down the stairs to the 2nd floor, then to the 1st floor. When we first moved in, Vera was confused by the profusion of stairs, but now she has no hesitation in racing up and down them at random intervals. Sometimes she goes so fast downstairs that it looks as if she'll just lose her footing altogether and roll down. Occasionally she'll hit the first floor entryway at such high speed that she then flies across the tile until she hits the door. Fortunately her head is hard.

I went down to the first floor. Put the leash on Vera. Dragged Vera back up two flights of stairs to the dps. Against her wishes, but I didn't really care. Shoved her into the dps and shut the door. Then I went back down two flights of stairs to greet our now frozen visitor. All those trips up and down the stairs were good exercise for me, technically, but I was out of breath, exhausted, sweaty, and all in all, in great shape to be welcoming people. But since I was the only one home yet (my illustrious partner hadn't arrived home from work yet), it had to be done. As I was letting in the first guest and apologizing profusely, the next two guests showed up. And I was exhausted.

Same with the next couple of guests, and the next. I eventually recovered enough to at least be somewhat coherent, but that only lasted until I had my first glass of wine. Since I'd forgotten to eat all day, one glass of wine was quite enough. That's okay though - I make about as much sense incoherently as I do coherently.

And Vera? She was astoundingly good in her dps. She was quiet, and patient. A few people got to peek in at her and pet her, and she was good and well behaved and let them. I wasn't there at the time, but that's what I hear. After everyone left, 5 hours later, Vera was released from her dps, and instead of running around smelling wildly for the remnants of the 15 people who'd been present, she came down to the second floor, laid down, and said, "ahhhhhhhh." Figuratively, of course. She'd already achieved her objective, though no one is quite sure what that is.