Terrorist Dogs

Investigation of procedures for taking a dog, specifically the one we know as Killer, into Hawaii, the state, not the state of mind, has yielded some interesting results. First of all, it is obvious that the enemy of Hawaii is the canine. I'm not sure why this is, though I'm certain it has to do with the canine harboring all sorts of nasty things in its blood that Hawaii does not want. That, or dogs are the new terrorists.

There's a quarantine of 120 days. One hundred and twenty days. This is obviously not a place where one takes their dog on vacation, unless one wants their dog to be quarantined not only for the length of one's vacation, but for months afterward. It is true that Killer has some annoying habits, but I'd miss her if she were . . . well, away.

Fortunately, there's an alternative. Isn't there always? It's part of our proliferation of choices. Option A is unsatisfactory, but don't worry - there's an Option B, a C, a D. There's the 5-DAY-OR-LESS Program. We have a checklist of required procedures to qualify for the 5-DAY-OR-LESS Program. It is not a short checklist. Three single-spaced pages tell us what we must do to get our dog into Hawaii in 5-DAYS-OR-LESS. I think, when I first glanced at it, I saw something about giving up my first-born child.

There is, at the top, a notice that resident dogs (and cats) originating from Hawaii and returning for the 5-DAY-OR-LESS program have a different checklist. Of course they do. Hopefully it is shorter, though if I were a canine and had managed to get INTO Hawaii in the first place, I doubt I would leave again, knowing the hell I'd have to endure to get back in.


Step 1: Vaccinations
This seems pretty reasonable. We do want our pets vaccinated, after all. Has my pet been vaccinated at least twice in her lifetime? (The actual wording refers to an "it," as in "in its lifetime," as if a dog were an it and not a he or a she, which tells me right off that they're second class citizens.) There are seven little checkboxes under this first step. Seven. And we're only on step 1. Vaccinations more than 90 days apart? Most recent vaccination not more than 12 months prior to pet's date of arrival OR not more than 18 months prior AND not less than 90 days prior to the date of arrival . . . I'm already confused. This goes on at some length.

Step 2: Microchip
This is vital. And the microchip number. Without this, the dog goes straight to 120 day quarantine. My dog HAS a microchip, somewhere, she came with one, but the number? Do I have that? I dunno. Maybe she has it in her personal records.

Step 3: OIE-FAVN Rabies Blood Test
Ah, now we're getting somewhere. This test must be done at an approved lab. There are two. Kansas State University or the DOD Food Analysis and Diagnostic Laboratory in Texas. Wait a minute. Food Analysis? FOOD ANALYSIS? This raises my suspicions, as I've never yet considered my dog to be anywhere in the food chain, except at the top, where she likes it just fine.

Step 4: Waiting Period
This is where it pays to be prompt. Early arrival means disqualification from 5-Day or Less quarantine and airport release. This is punctuated with exclamation marks so we know they're serious. There's a WARNING in bold, with an exclamation, that early arrival WILL result in disqualification, unless we weren't paying attention before. This is followed by an IMPORTANT!, which tells us when the waiting period begins (on the day the blood sample is received by the lab) and what the result must be.

I'm starting to think it would be a heck of a lot easier to get forged documents for my dog.

Step 5: Documents
Let's not even go here. There's five little check boxes. Passport, ID, affidavit of canine status. Good idea. I know my dog is often mistaken for, say, a chipmunk.

Step 6: Submission of Documents
First of all, we have to make sure they receive the documents 10 days or more before the dog arrives in Hawaii. This is so they can, no doubt, do an Interpol search just to make sure said dog is not wanted elsewhere. Documents must be sent overnight or tracked. Must have a completed Dog & Cat Import Form. Import form? A dog and cat import form? This must be notarized. Of course, why wouldn't it be?

And the cost is a bargain! Only $165 for direct airport release or $224 for 5-day-or-less program. In unmarked small bills.

Step 7: Other
Other what? There's more? Of course there is. We're still only on page two. Thirteen little checkboxes under this category. That's apparently where we throw in everything we hadn't mentioned before. Ah, this is where it becomes clear the difference between immediate release and 5-day-or-less. If your pet arrives between 8 pm and 8 am, he or she (not IT, as the checklist states) goes into the 5-day-or-less program. Apparently dogs arriving 8 am and 8 pm are not as dangerous as those traveling at night and can be immediately released PROVIDING THEY HAVE MET ALL THE QUALIFICATIONS LISTED IN THE PRECEDING 97 PARAGRAPHS.

Oh sure, I know they have their reasons. Small islands, once things get in there, difficult to get rid of, yada yada yada. But all the same . . . I can see why there'd be a black market in forged dog documents.

My dog is unconcerned with any of this. She knows if we go to Hawaii, she goes to Hawaii, and she won't have to worry about it. No, that's what we're here for. All she has to do is exist . . . lucky dog.